don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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