I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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