Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
