theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
