I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
