So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
