you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
