I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
