Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Randomize
