You were right. It hurts to walk today.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize