I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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