it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
