I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
