I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
