oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
