she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Of course I have a pirate flag
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
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