next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
