I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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