I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
