JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Randomize
