When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
