apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Randomize
