Your face is a jimmy john
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
