I wish I only lived at night.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Randomize
