Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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