i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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