he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
