Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
