you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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