She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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