They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
