Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize