I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
is that a dick in a sweater?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
