You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
