Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i would punch a child for taco bell
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
