Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
