Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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