you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Please don't give away my fajitas
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
