And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Randomize
