apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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