Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
i've created a new STD.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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