I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
