So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
