Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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