Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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