I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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