somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize