I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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