Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
