I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize