Jerry, you need to find god
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
