I never want to see another naked old woman again.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize