Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
