Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
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