No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Did you pee in the oven last night??
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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