The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
he thought i was a dude.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
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