Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I wear drunk well.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize