I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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