Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
