i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize