party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I wish I only lived at night.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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