Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
