Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
