You're completely useless in the revolution.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
