Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
