I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
